Too Much =(

"Love Hurts": Who ever heard of a true cliche? I don't know if I would nessecarily call it a true cliche, but it does have some merit to it. I mean why is it that the closer you get to someone the harder it becomes? Why is it that the more time you spend with someone it gets more awkward before it gets better? Why is it that we guard our hearts most heavily from the ones we want to give it to the most? I mean I know I have issues I need to work through, it's even more obvious now than it was before, but I just don't understand why my guard was so extremely high today. I don't know why I was so heavily guarded and even thinking back on it I can't figure it out for the life of me. Ok well I kind of can; the reason is painfully obvious when I look back at everything I've been through and it kills me the extent to which my past is affecting me and most likely will continue to affect me the rest of my life. I just don't want to be hurt again and I guess the easiest way to do that is not to let people in. But if we go through life blocking people out how can we ever hope to have a truly heatly relationship? My dad left when I was in 6th grade and has been in and out of my life ever since. And I'm sorry but how are we supposed to trust and rely on others if we can't trust and rely on our parents? Parents are supposed to always be there for you so how can you expect others to be there if you can't even count on the people who should always be there and love you unconditionally? How can you let someone in when there is the potential for more hurt? How do you put the past behind you and move on? I honestly don't know; I mean I obviously don't if I'm still letting this affect me six years later. I should really be stronger than this. After all, day after day, I am constantly donning my "thick skin" and going on with my life as if nothing is wrong, when really deep down, obviously deeper than I was aware of, there is still all of the pain and sorrow and resentment that has been building up for six years. How can a person live like this and still be healthy? It's not possible. Whether we know it or not the past just chips away at us and breaks us down and before we know it we break down and snap. And the worst part about it is how we snap towards those we love the most and who love us unconditionally instead of at those who hurt us the most. The worst part is I desperately need to move on I just don't know how. If only there was a magic formula for how to deal with life, you know "The idiot's guide to life," or "Life for dummies," or even beter "Sparknotes: LIFE." Unfortunately its not that easy. My aunt told me today that God would never give me more than I can handle, but who says I can handle this? I mean I don't doubt that my aunt is right I just have no clue how I'm supposed to be able to move on with my life, let go of the past, and work towards a brighter future.